They had me convinced I was the problem, and then I learned about gaslighting.
After I named and started Flow State with John, I imagined integrating the creative community with good causes, like teaming up with ERTH and hosting Artlucks, to provide creativity as a good cause for the community.
We had planned out an elaborate vision, full of love and opportunity. I imagined greatness far bigger than I, and started SUPERVIBE to house this ambition. I thought it would be convenient to channel myself through SUPERVIBE and then in to Flow State. John thought otherwise and removed me from the project, right as it started to gain momentum. I then saw my intentions systematically fulfilled by someone else who left me out of it. Many of the people I thought I would be working with had soon committed to Flow State. I felt marooned.
Being young and still learning about my emotions, I didn’t even understand what was happening to me. All I knew is that I felt a certain pain whenever I would think about John Mana. One day, he texted me asking for his broken drone that I had put money in to and fixed along with a memory card that didn’t come with it. I felt emotionally charged and confused and called him out for having the audacity to do such a thing, and warned him about, “leading a whole community of good loving people down a corrupt path of possibly ignorant and seemingly deliberate greed.” To which he responded with, “You said the same thing about so many people dude at a certain point It’s not others it’s you” and being so emotionally charged, confused, and humble, I immediately accepted this distortion as truth before spiraling out of control. I started to adopt greedy principles, treating my loved ones as machines, and asserting that my way was truth. About a month later, upon a techno rafting trip 🎈🎊 I was thankfully brought out of that perspective and back in to my higher self, as John’s character was further revealed to me and I became aware about gaslighting.
It took about another month before I was able to summon the courage to at least write down my experience. I felt called to make a statement of some kind, as I was one of the few people so strongly affected by John’s work. I felt responsible to try and save anyone I could from a similar trauma after I’ve seen it happen to several people around me too, but was incredibly intimidated about injecting such negativity in to the scene. I had to recondition my mind in to understanding that pain is not a negative experience, rather than something to learn and grow from in order to accept that recording my experience offers me justice, rather than malice.
During this month of deep contemplation with “what to do about this”, I’ve concluded that I’ll simply record my perspective and keep working toward my goals, feeling thankful for the opportunity to keep going. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery 😉